Multiple Dimensions of Intimacy

This week we discussed intimacy within marriage as well as the topic of infidelity. First of all, infidelity is broader than merely sexual relations outside of one’s marriage. There are multiple dimensions to intimacy, including physical, emotional, spiritual, etc., so the issue of infidelity can be related to any of these other dimensions. Because people often refer to the physical part when using the word intimacy, that is what we mostly associate it with.

I want to emphasize this point though: while it may be the most common use of the word, physical intimacy is not the most important aspect of overall intimacy. (I do not think that any dimension is more important than the others, but rather that the individual aspects combined together create a sense of wholeness within intimacy.) And, while physical intimacy is not the most important part of intimacy, the health of the physical relationship may be a good indicator of the health of the other aspects of intimacy. For example, if emotional intimacy is suffering, that lack of shared communication and trust may become evident or manifest itself within the physical interaction between a husband and wife.

In our class, we spent a lot of time discussing infidelity. Because intimacy is multi-dimensional, infidelity can also be multi-dimensional. When we think of infidelity, we usually consider instances of affairs which constitute both physical and emotional involvement with one other than your spouse, but there are other types of infidelity. One may be unfaithful by fantasizing about intimacy with someone other than their spouse—whether that person is real or imagined—which violates the emotional intimacy between the couple. Do you see how infidelity can occur even without becoming physically involved? On the other hand, someone may be unfaithful in the physical aspect of intimacy by involving themselves in viewing pornography or reading or watching erotic media in order to experience a physical stimulation. This type may or may not be accompanied by an emotional intimacy.

Because infidelity can be manifested in these and other ways, how exactly can we safeguard our marriage against such? First of all, I think it is important to recognize the difference between living parallel lives and living integrated lives. Are we going to be satisfied by living a life that is compatible with our spouse’s, or are we going to put in the work to take it a step further and live interdependently with our spouse? Because infidelity often (though not always) stems from one partner’s dissatisfaction with various aspects of marital intimacy (“He just doesn’t listen or understand me like he used to” or “She never wants to be close to me”), it goes without saying that a strong intimate relationship may be one of the most important safeguards against infidelity. Identifying potentially weak areas of our marriage should never lead us to turn outward to find fulfilment or satisfaction from another source, but rather lead us to turn inward toward our spouse to work together on strengthening those areas. Treat your marriage as genuine treasure that it is. It won’t be perfect, and there will be rough areas, but if we do not hold and cherish and put effort into our marriage, we will never give it the chance to develop into the beautiful and intimate relationship it has the potential to become.

But—you might ask—it takes two to make a marriage, and I can only control my half of it, so won’t there always be a risk? Let me answer that question with a question: Does the risk of the road keep us from driving? No; but there are safety precautions we can take to reduce the chance of accident and injury. So, put on your metaphorical seatbelt, stay in your lane, and obey the traffic laws. Prioritize your marriage over other relationships, interests and activities, do everything in your power to build and maintain a strong relationship with your spouse—including sharing each dimension of intimacy with each other—and live within the laws of marriage outlined by our Heavenly Father so that your marriage may have His blessing.

To my Roots and Branches: I am grateful for the example of marital fidelity that has been modeled before me, and it has given me a vision of the kind of marriage I aim to establish.