Communication: Empathetic = Effective

When considering problems in marriage, what is the first thing that comes to mind? If you are thinking communication, you are right. Problems with communication seem to be one of the most common issues couples face, and it is not hard to imagine why. We have all experienced miscommunication within various interactions throughout our daily lives, and it is logical that miscommunication is particularly upsetting when it occurs in very important relationships or with individuals we think we know well.

So why is communication such a big deal, and why can poor communication be so damaging in a marriage relationship? First off, consider this: If communication between a couple is suffering or ineffective, how do you think that affects any other problem that might arise in their marriage? Because communication is an essential element of our interaction and association with other people, its lack can hinder any efforts you make to address or handle other problems.

What makes communication so challenging? The very nature of communication is more complicated than we might think. Communication originates in our thoughts and feelings, which we then encode into a message, which is transmitted through some type of media (or channel of communication), which must be decoded by the receiving individual, and finally interpreted through the filter of their own thoughts and feelings. A return message must be sent the same way—sender’s thoughts/feelings à encoding à media à decoding à receiver’s thoughts/feelings. Each step in this process presents an opportunity for miscommunication.

For example, the media step, or channel of communication, can pose problems of unintentional ambiguity. In class, we discussed how communication is (roughly) 51% non-verbal, 35% tone, and just 14% words. By just considering these percentages, we can see how confusing it may be for the receiver if we assume they will take our word for it but our tone and non-verbal cues contradict what we say. Additionally, the chances for miscommunication increase when we remove one or two of the components. For example, in texting we leave out tone and non-verbal cues. By using words alone, much is left to be assumed and construed by the receiver. According to the percentages above, we’ve left 86% percent of our message up to their interpretation. More effective communication can be achieved when all three components are used and when they all work together to confirm and reinforce the same message.

We often seek for quick and easy fixes to the problems we experience, even when those problems are related to our marriage. Quick and easy fixes are most often not adequate for addressing such crucial issues. David Burns asserts what he has dubbed “The Five Secrets of Effective Communication” which fall under the three elements of empathy, assertiveness, and respect. His five steps are:

1. The Disarming Technique (finding a “kernel of truth” in what the other person has said and addressing it—in other words, making yourself vulnerable by acknowledging the truth in their perspective. This is called the “Disarming Technique” because by laying down your defenses you invite the other person to do the same)
2. Empathy
• Thought empathy (expressing what the other person has said)
• Feeling empathy (expressing what the other person presumably feels, based on what they said)
3. Inquiry (asking sincere questions to build your understanding and give an opportunity for the other person to clarify)
4. “I Feel” Statements (expressing your own feelings in a clear and respectful way, such as using the format of: “When [specific event or situation], I feel/felt [emotion, not a judgement], because [thought, “I thought” or “I told myself”]. I’d like [hope, what you would truly like in the future].”)
5. Stroking (expressing something genuine and positive about the other person, affirming your respect and appreciation for them despite what might be a frustrating situation)

Roots and Branches: As we can see, these five steps don’t fall into the “quick and easy” category. But I know that every effort I make to communicate with empathy, assertiveness, and respect will certainly be worthwhile—especially within my own family.