Today I would like to propose the concept of needs-based
parenting. Doctor Michael H. Popkin purports that humans (including children)
have five basic needs. These needs are: Contact and Belonging, Power, Withdrawal,
Protection, and Challenge. Doctor Popkin’s viewpoint is that when a child’s
needs fail to be met, that child will seek fulfillment of these needs by other
means. It is important to remember that each of these needs are wholesome and there
are healthy ways to fulfil them. As parents, we have the responsibility to do
our best to provide means to meet our children’s needs. Doctor Popkin suggests
that much of the misbehavior we face from children is a result of unmet needs.
Why? Because even if a child doesn’t fully comprehend their own needs, when
these needs go unmet, that child will seek to meet them through mistaken
approaches.
Below I will outline each of the five basic needs, along with
common mistaken approaches of children to meet those needs and parental
approaches to meet those needs in healthy, appropriate ways.
Contact and Belonging
When children don’t receive enough appropriate physical
contact, this need may exhibit itself through undue attention-seeking. Our
natural reaction to obnoxious and pestering behavior may be to turn away and
offer less interaction with the child, further intensifying their need for
contact. Parents can seek to meet this need offering contact freely to their
children. Additionally, building a sense of belonging comes as we teach our
children to contribute—to the family, household responsibilities, group
activities, etc.
Power
Children have a need for power—to feel a sense of autonomy
through making choices. When this need is unmet, the mistaken approach of
children may be rebellion or controlling others. Help meet this need by
teaching your children responsibility—the result of experiencing choices and
natural consequences. Of course children cannot be expected to make decisions
above their ability to reason, but it is our duty to help them develop these
skills through practice making decisions appropriate for their maturity. Remember: our end goal for our children
shouldn’t be merely obedience, but rather self-discipline.
Withdrawal
Children have a need for appropriate breaks and personal space.
When this need is unmet, children may turn to methods of avoidance. Sometimes
this exhibits itself through excessive gaming, Netflix binging, or social media
use. We can help meet this need by teaching our children the process of taking appropriate
breaks and then returning. We must
help them avoid the tendency of not returning from breaks by helping them
recognize that the purpose is to refresh and rejuvenate in order to return with
restored focus and effectiveness.
Protection
If children do not receive the protection they need, they
may seek to protect themselves through taking revenge. Part of our
responsibility to meet their need for protection is to teach them to be assertive
in standing up for themselves without hurting others. Additionally, we should
teach forgiveness, that our children can protect and free themselves from the
damaging effects of grudges and resentment.
Challenge
The unmet need for challenge may exhibit itself in undue
risk taking, thrill seeking, and “adrenaline junkie” behavior. We can meet this
need by helping our children develop new skills which provides a healthy and
productive/constructive sense of accomplishment. Teaching our children to take
on hard things, pursue challenging hobbies, and thrive in difficult environments
will benefit them in more ways than simply reducing undue risk taking.
Next time a child misbehaves, consider how that behavior
might be an indication of an unmet need, and keep in mind that the child may or
may not be aware of their own needs. By focusing our parenting on meeting a
child’s needs, we can reduce our children’s misbehavior and help them to live
healthier, happier lives. Also, I think it’s important to note that the
parental responses to each of these needs included teaching our children a healthy way to meet their own needs.
Roots and Branches: I appreciate how my parents worked not
only to meet my needs but also to teach me appropriate methods for meeting my
needs, according to my level of maturity. I hope I can focus on meeting
children’s needs so that I can free them up to behave in ways that are constructive
and productive.
