Family Culture

Have you even stayed somewhere away from home or moved in with new roommates and been entirely caught off guard by some practice or behavior by another person that was unusual to you? Perhaps it was something you had never heard of anyone doing before, or maybe it was just a behavior that you weren’t used to. It could be as something as simple as leaving the toilet seat up instead of putting it down, if you grew up doing it one way. Or maybe physical affection is shown in a different way than you are used to, such as by hugging. These types of habits and behaviors may be disconcerting, confusing, or even frustrating for those who grew up differently. On the other hand, new practices may be refreshing and comforting to some people, depending on if these differences are perceived positively or negatively.

Every family has its own culture. This culture is a set of rules and traditions, often passed down or inherited through generations. These patterns and habits and rituals may be so ingrained in us and our family members that we may be relatively unaware of them. To use my previous example, it may never occur to you that leaving the toilet seat up is an option, and you may even view it as impolite or lazy to leave it up—simply because you were raised in an environment, or family culture, where that was expected of you.

Often these family rules are unspoken, meaning they are so established that no member of the family needs to be told or reminded what these rules are or that they exist. A few more examples of family cultures—rules and traditions—are: only Dad gets to control the television remote, no slamming doors, yelling at others when upset, topics that are never discussed, only asking a certain parent for permission, every family member being home for dinner, or doing what you’re told without asking questions. These are only a few possible ideas, as family cultures are widespread and diverse. What unspoken rules contribute to the culture of your family?

In class, we discussed how we usually learn these rules early on by breaking them and suffering the consequence of negative feedback from family members which indicated to us that the certain behavior violated the unspoken rule. Perhaps these rules were verbally expressed to us at one point, but we no longer need any reminders, for these rules are so ingrained in us and we wouldn’t dream of violating them.

In many cases, such as with the toilet seat, these unspoken rules may be arbitrary and, therefore, adaption within a new setting may come easily. But what about traditions that aren’t as harmless as the position of a toilet seat? Traditions that inhibit healthy growth or promote destructive relationships? If not changed, these deeply-set traditions can have damaging effects that perpetuate throughout future generations. It is worth assessing the unspoken rules within our own families to determine which are beneficial and which ones your family may be better off without. Take a moment to consider the components of your family’s culture.

Which unspoken rules contribute to a culture that promotes positive interactions between family members?

Which unspoken rules ought to be broken, even if they’ve been around a long time?

Under stress, we generally revert to what is familiar—the family culture we are used to. But despite the well-established nature of family cultures, each of us can be intentional in the creation of the culture within our own family. Look around at parents and families you admire. What habits and practices do they have which could also benefit your family? If you are interested in the type of family culture endorsed by Heavenly Father, see The Family: A Proclamation to the World paragraph 7. You can feel empowered in deciding to introduce and incorporate positive practices in your family culture.

Finally, a note to my Roots: I appreciate the supportive, encouraging family culture you established. As a couple simple examples, thank you for limiting teasing to “only if both people are laughing” and for indulging out tradition of multiple bedtime hugs.

And to my Branches: From my study and personal experience, I am developing a growing respect for positive family cultures, and I am continually on the lookout for practices and traditions which will help strengthen ours. 😊