Understanding Family Dynamics & Theories

One thing about me: I love analogies and metaphors. Understanding and insight can be gained and deepened by examining and drawing parallels from these types of mental images. This week, I’ll start my blog with an analogy we used in class to illustrate and help us better understand family dynamics.

Imagine you are looking to buy a house and you’ve narrowed it down to a certain neighborhood. You browse the online advertisements, scrolling through the pictures of interiors and features, and find three similar houses within your price range. Eagerly, you set off to check out the houses.

Pulling up to the first house, you see that it is surrounded by an eight-foot-high cinderblock wall. The wall goes all the way around the yard, except for a thick iron gate located at the front of the house.

The second house has no fence at all, just a few leaning fenceposts here and there around the perimeter of the yard. Looking closer, you can see there are several paths worn through the grass, meandering in and out of yard, some leading to the front step from various directions.

At the third house, a white picket fence surrounds the yard, with a little gate in the front.

What are your feelings about each of the houses? What might we presume about the people who live in each one? The purpose of the analogy is to help us identify and examine basic structures of family boundaries.

The first house represents boundaries that are too rigid. Nothing goes through, there is a marked limitation of interaction, and the rigid boundaries reflect a feeling of insecurity.

The second house represents a lack of boundaries, or boundaries that are too open. There is little regard or regulation for what or who comes and goes, and rules are less- or un-defined.

The third house represents healthy boundaries. Rules and roles within the family are defined and clear, but they do not restrict healthy communication and interaction. The boundaries in this family have a sense of expectation and are set in place with the intention of helping family members feel secure. My teacher also pointed out how the metaphorical picket fence is white, indicating the clearness of the boundaries, and that the shape of the wood panels discourages people from stepping over them. It is not a high fence, as the intention is not to shut out others or eliminate contact and connection with others, but rather reflects an appreciation and care for what is being kept safe within the family.

What kind of an effect do unhealthy boundaries—whether too open or too rigid—have on the family and specifically on children?

Studies show that an executive sub-system is needed in order for a family to function most effectively. These studies point towards the divinely appointed roles of a father and a mother working together as tandem co-leaders. The two parents make up this executive sub-system within the family and have the responsibility of establishing boundaries for the entire family system. Like partners in a dance, when parents work together in fluid harmony and are clear on when each should take turns leading, this provides consistency and a sense of security for the children. In contrast, when parents are out of sync with one another, and this executive sub-system is absent, this puts pressure on children. If the executive role is not being appropriately filled by a parent, in some cases it falls to a child, even though they lack the maturity and experience to manage it. The insecurity caused by a lack of healthy boundaries and structure of family roles may contribute to the high levels of anxiety of children in the Western world. How insecure would a child be not knowing who they can count on to ‘make sure the world goes right’?

With the disintegration of divinely establish family roles (see The Family: A Proclamation to the World, paragraphs 6 and 7), is it any wonder we have seen an increase in anxiety, depression, and turmoil in the world today? How comforting and securing is it for a child to see their parents co-leading? How many of the world’s problems could we avoid by fortifying a child’s experience in the family with re-established stable executive sub-systems? Our future is our children—and we can brighten the future of the world by fostering a stable family system at home.

To my Roots: I have learned so much from you about what it means to co-lead. I know you aren’t perfect, but you are my heroes. I hope I can lead my family like you have led ours.

To my Branches: The more I learn about family structures, the more I realize the great responsibility I have to provide you with security and a bright future by establishing healthy boundaries and by fulfilling my role as a co-leader in our future home.