Dating as Preparation for Courtship; Courtship as Preparation for Marriage

This week in class we discussed preparation for marriage, including: factors that influence our choice in a marriage partner, and the beneficial (but increasingly less-common) use of dating and courtship as preparation for marriage. What better topic for Valentine’s week?

First off, we identified the steps toward marriage: Dating, Courtship (exclusive dating), Engagement, and Marriage. Think of these as stair steps; there is an important function for each step, and none should be skipped or rushed through, but rather the greatest stability of movement from one step to the next can only be achieved when appropriate time is spent on each step.

There is a growing tendency in today’s world to “slide” through the steps, without being clear in our intentions (which step is our ultimate goal) or decisive in the transition between each step. This is particularly true between the steps of dating and courtship. We will explore the importance of these two steps, but first it should be stated: The decision of who to marry is one of the most important and pivotal decisions one will make in this life, and will determine much of one’s daily happiness or misery—is this really something we want to slide aimlessly into?

Contrary to trending cultural use of these terms, dating should be a preparation for courtship and courtship should be a preparation for marriage. Many people rush into courtship—steady, exlusive relationships—hastily passing through the critical stage of dating. This can lead to problems later on down the road. In order to illustrate the disadvantages of skipping this importance phase, let’s just take a moment to note some of the benefits to dating. A wide range of opportunities and experiences with a wide variety of people provides opportunity to:

-          Have fun!

-          Learn more about yourself and your interests

-          Practice planning

-          Learn to cooperate with different people

-          See what’s out there, explore your options

-          Develop social skills

-          Get to know a lot of people and build friendships

-          Prepare yourself for an exclusive relationship

(These are just a few examples.) Dating is about building friendships and gaining experience, not rushing into romance. It an opportunity to grow as a person. And it is a preparation for the next stage: courtship.

At what point should you make the step from casual dating to serious courtship? President Gordon B. Hinckley said, “When you are young, do not get involved in steady dating. When you reach an age where you think of marriage, then is the time to become so involved.” Bold counsel for today’s world, but ever-needed if we hope to avoid the pitfalls and dangers of becoming too involved too early.

One such danger of rushing into courtship is becoming emotionally attached to someone before you begin to be aware of their true character. We may also feel a need to change ourselves to be something else for that person before we have developed our own sense of self enough to know who we are as an individual and who we aspire to become. Additionally, rushing into an exclusive relationship robs us of the experience gained from dating. It is not uncommon after a date or two, and deciding to be exclusive, to then monopolize on each other’s free time. With every spare moment spent together, one may think, “What’s the point in going on actual dates? We’re always together.” Thus begins a perpetual “hanging out.” What kind of skills does one learn and what kind of relationship is developed from perpetual hanging out? Once married, you simply don’t have the luxury of just hanging out with each other—you don’t have time and there are a pressing number of new responsibilities—so how can hanging out be sufficient preparation? My professor stressed the importance of continuing to go on dates through courtship as well as marriage. There are many benefits, including: learning to plan together, communicating, compromising, practicing thoughtfulness, getting to know each other better and learning each other’s interests, etc.

In dating and courtship, consider the following question: Are the skills I’m practicing and developing (and the skills my partner is demonstrating) beneficial and preparatory to an effective marriage relationship? If not, take time to evaluate your dating practices and habits and make adjustments as necessary. Begin with the end in mind. The ultimate goal is marriage, so look forward to that from step one by viewing your dating as a preparation grounds for the development of worthwhile skills and for gaining valuable experience.

A side-note to my Roots: The research backs you up: Long courtship, short engagement is the way to go for many reasons. (You two really do know everything!) :)

To my Branches: More and more I realize how crucial the choices and actions I take now will be in determining the kind of environment I create for you. Everything I do now is a preparation for the future—and that future involves you, so I’m trying to think ahead.