This week in class we discussed topics related to marriage,
such as: the importance of starting with a strong foundation, the value in
discussing matters of concern long before the wedding and continuing with open
communication throughout the marriage, and the challenge of handling adjustments
to married life. Starting a marriage is a wonderful thing, something we look
forward to and should continue to anticipate with eagerness—as well as with careful
thought and preparation. Many adjustments to married life may be easy and come
naturally to us, but there are still many other changes that will take effort
and patience and planning to become appropriately accustomed to.
The prospect of sharing one’s time, material possessions,
living space, etc. with another person and integrating your two lives together
brings with it many opportunities as well as challenges. Just coordinating
where to keep your things by the bathroom sink could become a point of
contention if we are not mindful. Sleeping habits, cleaning up after oneself, dividing
household responsibilities, communication patterns, and methods for resolving
conflict are just a few examples of ways in which each spouse may differ from
the other. Upon discovery of these differences, our approach to them can
greatly influence the degree and quality of the resolution acquired. If we treat
all differences of opinion, behavior, habit, etc. as though we are right and
our spouse is in the wrong, that will likely lead to problems, frustration, defensiveness,
and a lack of satisfying resolution. Most people would readily agree with this
statement, and yet how often do we unconsciously give our own opinion and
practices the benefit of the doubt while withholding such regard from those
around us, spouse or not? In many cases, such as the placement of belongings on
the bathroom counter, there usually isn’t one “right” way but rather many acceptable—though
differing—approaches. Now I know this is just a simple example that doesn’t
seem like it would be a big deal, but it can be easy to get caught up in even
inconsequential things with those you live with.
Emphasized over and over was the importance of having open
communication with your spouse. One of the reasons for this is because each
spouse enters the marriage with a unique and partially- or even mostly-unspoken
set of expectations—whether or not these expectations are conscious. It is
important to keep in mind that while you probably (hopefully!) know your new
spouse considerably well before entering into marriage, you still grew up in
different homes with different families and different sets of rules,
boundaries, and expectations (see my blog post on Family
Culture for more on this topic). These differences are not inherently bad—indeed
they can be a source of healthy diversity, from which the couple can collaborate
to glean the ‘best of both worlds’ for the family culture they would like to foster
and perpetuate in their own home. But these differences, if approached
improperly, can be a source of contention.
Take, for example, the new wife who is genuinely bothered by
the way her husband leaves wet towels on the floor. It is not a big deal, she reasons,
so she doesn’t mention it—thinking that perhaps it was an accident or he was in
a rush to get to work that morning. But day after day his behavior persists in
a habit that she finds inconvenient and inconsiderate. Eventually, one morning the
wife has had enough and her frustration boils over into an argument. The
husband is shocked at her outburst and becomes defensive—he had no idea that his
unconscious behavior was rankling her all this time.
Consider now how this might have been avoided if the couple built
a relationship based in open communication about their concerns. Perhaps the
husband grew up in a house where his mother always picked up wet towels, so his
unspoken expectation was that his new wife, as woman of the house, would take
care of that. But suppose that the wife grew up differently, where each family member
was responsible for such things on their own—her expectation for marriage would
be quite different. In this way, if such differences are not discussed, the
wife may view the husband’s behavior as lazy and inconsiderate while he assumes
that she doesn’t mind the task because his mother never did. Perhaps if the
wife had brought up her concern early on, before the issue festered in silent
frustration, they could have reasoned together and come to an understanding. By
seeing each other’s perspectives, they could decide an appropriate way to resolve
the situation without having allowed the problem to linger unbeknownst to one
of them.
Creating a relationship with open communication can—and
should—start long before marriage. By discussing beforehand each partner’s
expectations and their concept of how they envision their marriage, the couple
can work out some of the problems even before they arise. Working together,
they can create a mutually-approved plan to help them get off on the right foot.
Remember, the husband-wife relationship is the most
important within the family. Take the time and effort to establish a strong foundation
on which the build the rest of your family. In my teacher’s words: “Treat your
marriage as though nothing in the world matters more—because nothing does.”
Roots: Thank you for being a strong foundation for our
family, and for teaching me that communication is key.
Branches: Challenges are inevitable, but more time and effort
spent helping things go right can
mean considerably less time and effort spent addressing things going wrong.
